Understanding your Core Values and how to align them

I have found core values and getting them in alignment to be ONE of KEYS to success for me and for all the people I work with.

Often, we are out of integrity with what really resonates with us, and although we may feel uncomfortable or angry with that, sometimes it’s actually hard to know why.

When it comes to relationships, it’s important to understand what you believe in – because many couples are fighting over values clashes and neither is actually right, they just have their values ranked differently. If you think about your friendships that work, at their essence you will share similar values. If you think about relationships or friendships that haven’t worked, you may be able to identify where your values were so out of alignment, that it wasn’t actually possible to find common ground. With jobs, or choosing a path, knowing what resonates with you at your core makes it so much EASIER to find the right track. The right track for you. Sometimes we get tricked into having similar interests and not similar values. Relationships based on similar interests but not rooted in similar values will always challenge you. Jobs you do because you’re interested in them will not be your long-term place, compared to a job that resonates through your being. A business created around something you enjoy doing will not keep you satisfied as long as a business that is connected to your soul.

So, unless you are clear on your values, you can’t make good choices about what’s for you and what’s not for you. Like boundaries, when your values are wobbly you’ll constantly find people pushing up against them and you not having the courage or the self-belief to lean back into them and state what you truly believe in.

You need to revisit your values regularly too, because although they’ll always be around the same kind of things, sometimes the ranking of importance changes over time with experiences. As an example, I didn’t know how much I valued trust and honesty until I experienced something else and felt the full weight of that. Then I understood that although I had always valued that, I had almost taken it for granted. Like expected it. Chose not to see when it wasn’t happening (instead of speaking up about my sense that something was out of alignment).

And later, when I wanted something new and different I got to a very clear state of what it was that I wanted in a relationship. Based on shared values.

Here’s a story about love and relationships and why this stuff is super important:

Let me tell you about love.

When it comes to love I’m an idealist. At least I think that’s the word. Which by this definition kinda works right?

“An idealist is a noun that means someone not guided by practical considerations. An idealist is someone who envisions an ideal world rather than the real one. Some people consider idealists to be naive, impractical, and out of touch with reality….” – the Internet.

In an ideal world people love each other and demonstrate that daily and are kind and real and true. Relationships are magical things where two people get each other and spend their time loving, supporting and accepting. That kind of ideal. Being an idealist helped me find love many times, and it harmed me because in that “ideal” I chose to ignore or excuse the things that didn’t fit and thus often created magical fairy-tales full of flawed characters and all kinds of missing. Holes. Fairy-tales full of holes.

When I became a relationship coach my idealistic nature meant that I could with love, passion and empathy help people fight for their relationships. Because on a whole I believed in the magic of love and I could always see the energy that exists between two people – even if most of that energy was being shared in destructive ways. More and more people wanted to work with me, and at the height of my coaching success (as in the MOST relationship clients I had) my own relationship crashed and burned in an inferno of crazy-assedness like no other. They watched me, my clients, with their own loving eye, as I gathered my idealised view of love and tried to patch it back up. I did it for them I thought. But I guess I mostly did it for me. Because if I couldn’t believe in that what could I believe in?

And then this thing happened, which was that I found out that I had to believe in ME. That love (in its ideal magical romance novel idea in my head) wouldn’t save me. That someone choosing me wouldn’t save me. That the ideal, the real ideal, was that if I sorted out me, and loved me back out of the heartbreak I would become a better coach because of it.

At times, I’ve found the process of relationship coaching very frustrating (I know any of my clients who read this and have had a shit session on the couch with me will think this is about them, but it’s not really. It’s about all of you and none of you. It’s about me really, so like I’m always teaching you PLEASE don’t take this personally). Sometimes I have wanted to smack the heads together of two amazing people and just screech “just fucking love each other OK???”. Sometimes I’ve wanted to go get into bed afterwards and cry.

And then sometimes they say things to each other that make my heart sing.

I know that as my business has moved into purpose, and the realisation that if I can help people find their purpose (find them, find themselves and find a reason to exist), then that actually helps with relationships too. I thought that was only for women, but then funnily enough couples have started doing my stuff and men on their own. And I laugh, because somehow, I get to achieve what I hope for is based on some kind of idealism. Some magical mash-up of everything I hold true, which includes love and trust and being real and kind and true. I think it works in whatever context. I really, really do.

So, here’s what I’d like you to consider in the context of what you currently do.

Do you know WHY you believe in love/want people to be healthy/want people to find peace/want to help people get fit/create art (interchange here whatever it is you currently do)? Do you know WHY you want people to find ways to love and support each other kindly and lovingly and be great parents to their kids and have fun together and all that stuff? I wanted people to have that, so their relationship would be part of the solid foundation that allowed them to go out and get on with their magic in their world. Their thing. Their gift. Their purpose. I wanted them to stop fighting and getting distracted by the relationship SHIT and get on with being amazing. If you know my story you will know that for far too many years I allowed the relationship SHIT to be the reason I didn’t do this sooner. I say that without regret, but let it be known that I took one (well a few actually) for the team. SO, YOU DON’T HAVE TO.

And I still believe in love. When it comes to love I’m an idealist. But I know some other things too. And those things? They change everything.

Core values drive this. So, do it hard and well and deep. It will get you a step closer to purpose. And it’s a really big step away from distraction.

There’s a great core values worksheet attached to this module. Please complete it and do the rankings. It’s really important. Get clear on what matters to you and in what order.

And then I want you to do some journaling on:

The core values you need to be living more of are and how can you do this (specific actions)

In your current/past relationships the values that got you the most challenged (are/were)

What you intend to do differently in your life with your core values in mind ….

So, Enjoy. Enjoy Core Values. They are a really brilliant, really important piece of all of this.